I know this is out of the blue and I know that you haven’t thought about me in ages and I know that this isn’t what you want and I know that this is pathetic and stupid and pointless but I have to tell you because I can literally feel my heart breaking as I type this but I fucking miss you. A lot. So much that it physically hurts my chest. And I know that you want to be independent and I know I’m annoying and basic and dumb as hell and I know that you’ve probably blocked me but I have to tell you that I’m still so fucking in love with you. I’m so fucking in love with you and I fucking hate myself for it. I hate that I can’t stop thinking about you and I hate that I can’t say that I’m over you and I hate that every second of every minute of every day I think about you and how much I miss you and how much I miss just looking at you or being with you or hearing you laugh or watching you do the most mundane things and thinking “God I fucking love you so much”. And I hate that I feel this way because everybody has been telling me since my birthday dinner last year that you’re wrong for me and that I shouldn’t have given you the time of day, but the reality is that if you called me just to tell me that I was a piece of shit or that I’m really pathetic I’d be so fucking grateful to hear your voice again just for that second that I wouldn’t even be upset about it. And I’m so angry at myself for letting some stupid guy who didn’t mean anything get to me and get in the way of how I felt about you and how I knew you felt about me. And I’m so angry that I didn’t take a second to stop and appreciate you and just everything that you mean to me. You meant the fucking world to me (you still do) and I blew it. I fucked up. And I’m sorry. And I’ve never been more sorry in my life and I wish I could turn back time and punch myself in the goddamn face for being such an idiot because you deserved better. You deserved so much better. And I can’t believe I ever made you feel like you weren’t enough because you were more than enough. You were my everything. And I’m sorry because I KNOW IM FUCKING PATHETIC but I had to tell you because I love you. That’s it. I probably will go straight to hell for making you feel the way I did and tbh I’ll embrace it because I feel so awful about it. but so help me god, I’m not going until you know how sorry I really am and how much I love you. God I fucking love everything about you and I didn’t say it enough and I’ll never be able to say it enough because it’ll never be enough. I love you. I love you. I love you. And I am so sorry.
As a quick update as to my life, I’ve officially transferred to my dream school. I’ve moved in to my cute little apartment with a really chill roommate, I’ve met a ton of people, and I’ve never felt so welcomed. In fact, I only had two classes today, and by 12:00 PM, I already had 10 people welcoming me to Michigan. I honestly couldn’t be happier.
But also, I feel like something is going to come a ruin this for me.
In this scenario, let’s imagine my life as a big, rocky (and unstable) mountain. At the bottom of the mountain is a tunnel, and I’m walking through that tunnel to reach the other side of the mountain, which holds my happiness and success. Every time I feel like I’m finally coming close to the end, a boulder comes crashing down from the top of the mountain and blocks the exit, so I need to create a new plan to get out of the mountain.
Another thing that happened today is that I saw my ex. I noticed two things about her: she’s not as pretty as I remembered her to be, and she was riding her bike down the street at an alarming speed. A few minutes later, I ran into her old roommate. Her roommate and I had a nice chat, but then she brought up my ex. This roommate is a very sweet girl and I don’t know if she meant to sound like it, but when she was asking me questions about my ex, she sounded so… sad. As in, sad for me. As if she felt sorry for me about what happened or sorry that I even dated a girl like my ex. And ever since that incident, I started to think about my ex and what happened in our relationship.
I have to say that I have quite a few hesitant regrets. And by hesitant regrets, I mean that I don’t know why or if I do even have these regrets. But these are some of the things I find myself thinking about.
First, I regret dating my ex as soon as we first met. Originally, I thought that we should remain friends first for a while and maybe start something later, but because she was so persistent about wanting a relationship, I just went for it. I wish I hadn’t. I wish I’d had the will to say, “This could be something real and I want to wait.” I wish I had courage to say what I wanted without caring so much as to what she would say. Hell, I wish we didn’t even meet online. I wish I’d met her through clubs or something at school so that we could get to know each other well enough before dating. I wish I hadn’t invested so much of my emotion into someone that I didn’t even know.
Second, I wish I knew what I should let slide and what I should not let go. To this day, I still have no idea if I made the right choice by bringing up that guy who was flirting with her in the library for a week straight and knowing that she didn’t tell me. Everyone tells me that I was right, but I think if I’d known that if saying something meant I would lose her, I wouldn’t have said anything at all. Is that healthy? No, and I know it’s not by the way I talk about it. It clearly upset me and I should speak up. But maybe I should’ve picked it at a different time. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything at all. Or maybe I should’ve ended things earlier when I had those thoughts back in January. Maybe I shouldn’t have thought “Well, maybe she’ll change” and waited two months until she left. Or maybe I should have a relationship with someone who doesn’t hurt me constantly and doesn’t make any effort to work to make it better.
Third, I wish we could’ve remained friends. Despite everything, I do. Because she was a good friend to me. She was there for me when I felt at my absolute worst and my absolute best. I wish I had someone I could study with the same way that we studied with each other. Having the silence between us with no awkwardness was amazing. I wish I could find someone that I want to study like that with. I wish I could find someone that I want to have a show with. You know, a show that was ours, that we would watch with no one else. I wish that I could find someone that I want to read the news to every morning and tell them all the crazy stories that I read. I wish I could find someone that I want to be happy with. Someone, anyone that isn’t her.
Fourth, I regret every thought I have about her every single fucking day. I don’t know what it is. I think about her constantly. I can’t fucking watch the Mindy Project without thinking about what her reaction was to a certain scene. I can’t study orgo or even tell people how much I love orgo without her voice echoing in the back of my head saying “I love orgo!” or “She’s not smart enough to even finish orgo” (which, by the way, I clearly am smart enough). I hate it. And it’s driving me insane. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t look at her social media, I don’t look back at our old texts anymore, I didn’t bring anything from our relationship into my new life at my new apartment (except for a coffee mug that my mom wouldn’t let me leave the house without. But that’s buried in the back of the cupboard so I won’t use it). So why do I still think about her? Why do I still care? Why do I still care about if she’s happy? Why do I care if she’s doing well? Why do I fucking care?
Maybe I care because she mattered. And no matter how much she really hurt me, she still matters.